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Roid Rage


It started as constipation
(Chemo and steroids can do that to you)
And I failed to react quickly enough
Because who, me?
Never ever had one single solitary hemorrhoid

But then again, fool, you’ve never had cancer either

My 50 year record of being hemorrhoid free?
Ended in one morning
Just like that
One big strain
Drops of bright red blood in the toilet
Over but not over

In the last few months, I’ve lost my hair
My taste for spicy food
A section of my right breast
But this is more of an indignity
And painful
Than anything I’ve experienced
(So far. I know there is more to come)

I shit my pants
Stuck my ass in a sitz bath
A dozen times
Applied many kinds of salves
Hoping for one that would work miracles
Wiped with witch hazel
Taken Miralax and stool softeners
And am no longer wearing thong underwear

There are no miracles

It’s been six days
And the mother fuckers are still there
Making their presence known every time I sit down
Every time I get up
And causing me to wince in pain when I have my daily constitutional

As if actually having cancer was not enough

I come with so many instructions that I believe I am a gremlin:
Don’t forget to take your pills, eat enough fiber, wash your hands, your fruit, your veggies, don’t hug, put lotion on your dried out old lady skin, rinse your mouth out with baking soda and salt, take a nap, meditate, exercise, don’t go to crowded places, do drink so much water that you have to pee every hour

And now this: Hemorrhoids

I’ve been told that my next round of drugs
Causes massive diarrhea

I can’t wait


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