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New Old Self

jencullen2pezz

What a difference 8 months make! Thanks for the smooches, Pezz.

I am back from my whirlwind NYC trip. Hugs, laughs and a few tears. Old friends, new friends. It was everything I had hoped it would be. And then some.

This is the “and then some.”

I spent a fair amount of time alone. And I haven’t done that in a long time.

Being by myself, sitting on a bench on the High Line, wandering the Whitney, sipping bourbon at a bar before dinner, was really amazing. Even just sitting in MG’s apartment was so different than being by myself at home.

I feel like I regained my independence. And banished all of the “I’m sick” feelings that were lingering in my head.

The emotional healing was not something I was looking for because, as self-aware as I like to think I am, I guess I was a little stuck in my cancer world. So I was surprised by the amount of joy I got just walking down the street in Brooklyn. By myself.

I also realized how much physical healing I’ve done in the last few months. Even weeks.

I don’t have the “I’m in cancer treatment” look anymore. If you didn’t know me before I went through chemo, you wouldn’t know all that my body has endured. You wouldn’t know that I used to be in better shape or had shoulder length brown hair.

My hair is long enough to pass for NYC chic. I got compliments on it from strangers. I like the funky grey and white dalmatian coloring. I like the pixie, elfish thing I have going on. Having eyebrows and eyelashes help too.

My body continues to heal too. I walked and walked while I was there. Sure, I got tired but a little rest helped fix that. And then I walked some more.

I’m home. And I’m happy to be home. But I needed to get out of my world for a few days to help me realize how far I’ve come. I feel like my new old self now. And it feels good.

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